This is such a good way to live, without fear, really, I mean expressing how you feel without the worry of being judged, defeated, turned down, etc. The line: “there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate” really speaks to me. I mean I am always in a constant fear of getting to close to someone too fast, but what if I just let nature take its course? What if I let my emotions lead the way, to wherever that may be? Would I sever relationships along the way, of course I would, but eventually I would find someone who wouldn’t judge me for my emotional honesty, I mean they may not feel the same way initially, but if it’s meant to be it’ll happen and if not, well it’s not meant to be. Also, what if I did get hit by a bus tomorrow, there’s a lot of people that I would’ve loved to have appreciated more, said more to, done more for, but after you die, you can’t do that. The best thing is to live in the moment and enjoy life as it is, no secrets, no lies, and no withholding the truth, which includes how you really feel.
Sometimes I have to remember that although my friends and family may do things that disappoint me, when times are toughest, I am very fortunate to have the support of most of them. Riffling through my old things I found this post-it note, it was obviously given to me at the peak of my madness and mania, when I was first diagnosed the summer of 2010. I had been writing pages upon pages everyday. Most of which in the end made no sense. Supporting this wild idea of writing a book, is quite a brilliant way of dealing with the very abnormal situation. Also, who’s to say that maybe one day I won’t have my own book, I’ve always loved to write and it is without question that this blog has definitely been a great outlet to allow some people to read what I have to say, however when I’m finished school, and have my career on the go, etc, when I go to write, maybe I will decide to venture out into the world of writing and look into get my work published. It’s not an easy process and rejection is inevitable, but most successful writers, or really most successful people, fail at least once, before they hit it big. My goal is also not to hit it big, but to help educate those who are naive and sometimes quite ignorant when it comes to mental illness, and also to be a voice for those who suffer.
LOL this is probably pretty lame in most people’s opinion, but after being home going over my notes all day just about anything is entertaining for me.
As if this next week wasn’t going to be stressful and just plain terrible as it is. I’m stuck at home studying until next Thursday not only because I need to, but also because other than to go to work I’m not allowed to fucking leave the house. It’s so damn loud, my dad won’t shut up, then he randomly turns on the tv, full blast, because he can’t hear, my mom has the tv full blast, I’m wearing my earbuds with no music playing because I need some sort of ear plugs to even make this environment sort of bearable to study in. On top of that, I’m really sick, coughing up a lung all day, drinking tea trying to alleviate the congestion, sinus headache, and awful dry and sore throat. This sucks, I mean I can’t even go for a nice walk outside and get fresh air to take a break, because although it’s the middle of DAMN April it looks and feels like it’s January. Obviously, I am in a very foul mood and I was looking up translation services, because my college won’t even assess me for transfer credit unless I give them copies of the course outlines from my previous course work. Not only was it a task and a half to track the damn things down, but they are in French and they will not accept the French copies, nor will they accept translated versions, unless they are legally translated and mailed directly or translated by my profs and e-mailed directly. Tracking down my profs from a couple years ago to do extra work for a former student is not going to happen. I mean why the hell would they do that for me, I don’t even go to Campus St. Jean anymore. I decided to look into how much it would cost to hire a translator from a translating service to do it. Well the quote I was given was almost 600$, with 50% upfront. It’s not like I don’t have 600$, but I am not paying 600$ for something that I could do myself for FUCKING FREE! I am livid, the lady working in admissions not only had no clue what she was talking about, she had to consult with someone else, which how do I even know she didn’t just go into a cubicle and pretend to have a conversation?! This is ridiculous, the two electives I’d like to, and was suggested to apply for transfer credit for, by the chair of my department, wouldn’t cost me much more than 600$ to take. This is absolute bullshit and I will definitely be contacting someone higher up at NorQuest, because this is a bilingual country I am living in, there is no reason why I should have to jump through hoops and pay through the roof, to get basic documents translated, simply because they apparently don’t have anyone who knows French. Not only do I highly doubt that is indeed the case, but I am aware that my University coursework is definitely at a much higher level than anything NorQuest has to offer. Right now I have to say, FUCK COMMUNITY college, their treatment of their students speaks volumes. Doing my education at NorQuest was not based on the prestigiousness of the school, it was based on the fact that they are the only one in the area, offering a specific program, recognized by ATRA, in Therapeutic Recreation, but although I didn’t set the bar very high for my expectations of the institution, they have completely tainted my view of post-secondary institutions in general.