Here is a song that reflects the last bit of hope that I have in life, I have realized that no matter how low I get, giving up is NOT the answer.
I am sick of life
I’m sick of my mother not believing a thing I have to say to her
I’m sick of my anxiety interfering with my every action
Life is getting too difficult
I need support from someone who actually cares, not someone paid to help me
I’m sick of trying medication, after medication with no results
I want out
I want it now
Freedom from a life that won’t allow me to have fun, because I am hallucinating at every moment of the day
Why do I always start what I think is a lasting relationship to have it end in no time flat?
What is it that I am lacking that makes me worth so little affection?
I’m not picky I don’t demand to be showered in gifts
All I ask is for someone to care
That list of people may seem large, but it dwindles into nothing when times get too rough
Why is it that the voice that I must hear all day in my head, the one the medication can’t get rid of, happens to be the voice of my most recent boyfriend
Why couldn’t it be a voice I can’t recognize at the very least
That wouldn’t make a difference I suppose
I suppose I’m just too “crazy” for this world
I’m not meant to be like most people
Unfortunately this burden does not satisfy me
I feel I have nowhere to go
I am making plans
I hope they come true
My timing is not decided, but my mission is clear
Coping is getting harder by the minute
I feel as if I have already fallen, although I am still up
A sense of darkness to shield my eyes from the brightness of life is all I ask
To find my true destiny
My mission in life no longer has purpose as I have given up on the constant struggle
In my hard of hearts I am prepared
I will leave it all behind
Why is it that every time I recover and find peace within my life and myself I must relapse. My very good friend has taken many psychology courses and, is also the daughter of a psychologist. She believes that what is written in countless books will prove true, and I will stabilize and find a balance one day soon, as my brain finishes maturing. I hate to be a skeptic, but when you feel as if you are a constant case study due to the severity of your illness, as I do, it seems impossible to believe. I just want to live a happy “normal” life. Right now I’m suffering with a demon that has haunted me in the past: auditory hallucinations. My mom wishes for me to take time off from school, but my stubborn self won’t do it. Even as I cry as I type this point I still feel that the best way to get through this inevitable rut is to continue my life as if no setbacks have struck me. My main issue with striving for my life before this relapse is the constant battle with my heart, I truly miss my ex I feel awful even writing it out, because I am almost positive that he has completely moved on, but I am so consumed by my feelings for him that it is beginning to become a hindrance to my recovery. Anyways, I can’t seem to think anymore about how to go about this point, I feel so messed up. Perhaps, a follower will, visit my submissions page and offer some advice. (That last bit was a hint!!)
Miller High LIfe, come back to this Miller’s life :)
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
I’m beginning to not care what a certain person has to say anymore, I don’t care if you think my blog is stupid and you are old fashioned and hate anything and everything related to sharing a part of yourself online. I have this freedom because I am part of a generation that has access to things like smart-phones and the Internet and I will continue to blog as much as I want regarding anything I please for as long as I see fit, no matter what said person has to say about it.
That said, maybe I’ll be a little more vague when I post about my life at home in case the wrong person ends up reading my blog and something comes back to bite me in the ass so to speak.
I am not having a good day to say the least and the fact that I find it therapeutic to right should be reason enough for me to be allowed to post on my blog. I know you think I’m over-dramatic and who knows what else, but maybe I need to speak my mind once in a while because I am sick of my insides eating apart my soul. My brain has given me far too much grief these last few months and I am sick and tired or getting tough love from the woman who gave me life… There it’s permanently in the archives of the Internet now. I am tired of being bullied at work and then coming home to a mother who thinks I’m making it all up.
Alas I have vented enough about my qualms with her and I can finally take a deep breath and relax, hopefully I won’t return downstairs in tears, for the reason I came to my room was because of them.
Summer fun has begun…